Movie Review: The Expendables 3 (2014)

I feel as though no spoiler alert is necessary, as you should know what you’re getting from The Expendables franchise, if you ever had any interest in it, by now. There are no surprises. You’re getting a movie that tries to draw upon the nostalgia of action movies and actors from the past three decades. However, the action-hero movie genre should not be thought of as a homogeneous monolith. There are differences along a variety of margins.

Consider the original Die Hard. We see John McClane as quite vulnerable. Whereas other action movies have led us to perceive a bullet wound in an extremity as a minor annoyance, broken glass presents a real obstacle to McClane. We don’t see him taking on a million guys at once, but resorting to guerilla tactics due to his comparative weakness in force. Because of this, the drama is far more palpable and McClane seems much more heroic.

Contrast this with The Expendables 3, which contains no tension at any point. The audience is never led to feel that the protagonists are ever in any serious danger at all, despite the fact that they are routinely vastly outnumbered and outgunned. Regardless of all the “action” that occurs in the film, it makes for a rather boring experience.

Also disappointing is the missed opportunity in drawing on the potential nostalgia of the characters associated with the cast members. For example, there is a subtle reference to the character played by Antonio Banderas in Desperado and Once Upon a Time in Mexico, but why not just make up some excuse to have El Mariachi in The Expendables rather than have Banderas play some generic guy?  I mean, it’s not like it would damage the plot in terms of its plausibility or cheesiness. The payoff of seeing guitar cases filled with guns or guitar cases as guns would be totally worth it. The same goes for other beloved characters like Statham’s Frank Martin. Would a story that finds a way to bring these disparate characters together make sense? Probably not. Would anyone care? Probably not. This is The Expendables, after all.

My final grief has to do with the phenomenon of the villain having ample opportunity to dispatch the good guy(s) and for no reason choosing not to. This happens multiple times in The Expendables 3. Early in the movie, the evil Mel Gibson has Rocky Balboa in his crosshairs, but chooses to wound another guy. He is able to capture most of Rocky’s team and later sets a trap that could kill Rocky and the other guys he brings to rescue them, but instead of just blowing them up, he gives them a 45 second grace period in which to disable his bomb. Why he does this, other than keeping the movie from abruptly ending, is not explained. And, in what was supposed to be the climatic showdown between Rocky and Gibson, Gibson has the ability to shoot Rocky dead but instead decides to toss his gun away in order to have a fist fight. The reason for this can’t be to see who’s the better fighter, as Rocky eventually grabs a gun and just shoots Gibson. All of this leaves one feeling as though the villain isn’t that evil (even though we’re told he did all these bad things in the past), but rather exceptionally merciful. Needless to say, this does not make for a compelling triumph over evil.

The Expendables 3 is not really satisfying in any way. It lacks creativity, plausibility, and a reason to keep watching. With Hollywood’s preference for producing tried-and-true formulas, I wouldn’t be that surprised if they tried to make another one, perhaps with an all-female cast. 

Movie Review: The Transporter Refueled (2015)

My principal concern going into The Transporter Refueled was the replacement of Jason Statham with this non-Statham guy, Ed Skrein. I was right to be concerned, in a way. Skrein is truly a nothing actor. He has none of the childish charisma of Statham. Sure, things happen to him, but his reactions to them aren't particularly interesting, dramatic, or humorous. Thankfully, though, the things happening to him are much more fun than most contemporary action films. In this reboot of the series, Frank Martin (boring-ass Skrein) is busy transportin' stuff in France when his hip old man comes for a visit. Instead of bonding with his father as planned, Frank instead takes a job as a getaway driver for four mysterious women looking to rob a bank. They have plans of their own for Frank, however; his father is held hostage until Frank agrees to help them assassinate a Russian gangster.

Now, this is not a bad premise for an action film, but the first thirty minutes or so almost derail the whole thing. Most of this is attributable to the bland performance of Skrein, as he sourfaces his way through the introductory and characterization bits of Act I. It all gets much better once he is forced to take the job "offered" by the lady assassins. Refueled reminded me of the quality, middle-budget martial arts films that were staples of the Code Redd Net diet in the old Geocities days: Transporters 1 and 2, obviously, but also Jet Li's Unleashed (2005), for example. Once the exposition is finished, Refueled is blessedly short and lean, and the non-entity of Skrein is subsumed by the generally excellent fight scenes and car chases. There are several beautifully absurd action sequences in unusual spaces, such as a car chase through an airport terminal, and a precision missile dropkick delivered through a car window. The choreography is delightfully shaky-cam free, too. All this is to say that while Refueled is certainly not in the same league as Transporters 1 and 2, especially the boring stuff at the beginning, it's still a solid reminder of what action cinema can be.

The Transporter Refuelled (2015) Trailer

Pardon us while we remodel the site. In the meantime, enjoy this trailer for the rebooted Transporter franchise.

I don't know how to feel about this one. Transporter 3 was all kinds of awful, of course, but I'm not sure I would've hit the reset button so hard.

Movie Review: Parker (2013)

Oi, even loike this, they still call me 'andsome Rob.

I thought Parker could work, I really did. It's essentially the same thing as The Transporter, and more of the The Transporter couldn't possibly be a bad thing. Just switch up some character names, surround our hero with some "new" characters, new locales, and new circumstances to put a hurting on ne'er-do-wells, and you're well on your way to a successful action film. Only a dab of panache is necessary. I waited throughout the opening for something, anything, to let me know that a bit of thought, beyond rudimentary craftsmanship, had gone into Parker. I had to wait until much later to find that satisfaction, and it was a fleeting satisfaction at that. As in most tepid action movies, the plot works fine for what it is: Statham, as the titular square-dealing thief, finds himself left for dead by his crew following a particularly sloppy heist, and the rest of Parker's runtime is spent on his vengeful reacquisition of the money (that is, when it isn't spent on Jennifer Lopez's boring real estate job). The problem, then, isn't in the kind of story Parker tells, but in its execution of that story. Statham's character is guided by an ethical code strikingly similar to the "rules" laid out by his Frank Martin in the three Transporters, but unlike in those films, Parker's code comes to us piecemeal and is simply superimposed upon the action. In other words, this code gives him a few neat things to say while doing his job, but doesn't really tell us anything significant about him and serves no purpose in the overall goings-on. Furthermore, the introduction of J-Lo's debt-ridden real estate agent only muddies the waters, effectively derailing Parker's (already fledgling) narrative momentum to shoehorn in an uncooked love triangle that does nothing to raise the stakes. Sure, he needs to use her knowledge of the affluent Miami neighborhoods to find the hoods he's looking for, but the scenes between them are absolutely awkward and their relationship is never satisfactorily worked out, even in a totally oblique or open-ended fashion. Statham gets in a few choice lines, as well as some beautifully absurd disguises, but nothing truly memorable. And unlike most entries in the Statham catalogue, even the beatdowns are letdowns in Parker.

Movie Review: The One (2001)

"Oi, this is me new iPhone? Roight, Raymond. Bloody children's toy, it is.
On your bike, mate."

The One is an unassailable algorithm; it's mathematical martial arts aesthetics. Everything here, in all of its breezy 80 minutes, appeals to the senses, unfiltered. In an admirable conflation of the sci-fi and kung fu genres, The One mixes equal parts wushu, special effects, slow-mo, wirework, laser blasters, muddled Nietzschian philosophy, Jason Statham. This is how the story goes: instead of a single universe, there's a "multiverse," comprised of mirror worlds and mirror selves, and wouldn't you know it, an evil Jet Li named Yu Law, finds out that killing his mostly wholesome multiverse counterparts increases his strength. We join the story in progress as Evil Jet murders another of his counterparts, leaving only Gabe Law, a duty-minded police officer played by Jet, as the penultimate Jet. Two multiverse agents, one played by the inimitable Jason Statham, are then tasked with preventing Yu Law from completing his mission. There's plenty of gratuitous special effects on display here, but unlike some other martial arts films, they augment the physical abilities of Li instead of replacing them. Smartly, Li gives his Yu/Gabe Law characters divergent fighting styles to match their respective moral outlooks, and this becomes important during the climatic sequence. Most importantly, it's a visual extension of the thematic content, embodied rather than merely spoken, and the fights gain so much in legibility and genre specificity because of this. The action sequences are clean, and the purely physical stunts are well-integrated with the CGI. As previously mentioned, the final fight sequence between the dueling Jets is a wonderful conflation of traditional wushu choreography and special effects. Other highlights include a superb late-90s/early aughts soundtrack, including many of my pubescent favorites like Papa Roach. It's also worth noting that this was something of an early milestone in the career of Jason Statham; indeed, this was most likely our proper introduction to him. He's unquestionably foregrounded in this film, particularly near the end, and he lays out nearly all his quirks rather quickly. For many reasons, including purely personal, purely nostalgic ones, The One has earned a rightful place in the Code Redd Net canon.

Parker Trailer

Jason Statham, our favorite contemporary action star, has a new film coming out in January. Check out the trailer for Parker below:

It's like if Frank Martin in The Transporter got to play dress up and rub elbows with J-Lo. Should be right up there with Safe if the trailer is any indication.

"Oi, Raymond, you don't need your mouth to pee."

Movie Review: Crank 2: High Voltage (2009)

"To be or not to be, roight, that's the question, innit?"

Crank was a one-note live-action video game. Crank 2: High Voltage doesn't have any notes. Jason Statham, as Chev Chelios, sprints full-tilt from one marginal or ethnic group to another, sharing foul language and beatdowns, both usually targeted at the bathing suit area. Somehow, it's even more juvenile than the original. This time around Chelios is fueled by electricity rather than sugary snacks. He does things, and he does them fast, and he does them ultra-violently, all in order to keep his prosthetic heart pumping. It's a wonderfully appropriate premise for an action film, but High Voltage treats it as little more than an excuse to be as unapologetically offensive and exploitative as possible. It's bacchanalist cinema. Whereas Crank may (and I do stress, may) have a modicum of social critique behind its mayhem, High Voltage is offensive to the point of inarticulateness. It's too busy getting off to tell you anything insightful about the world. It revels in the sort of visual aggressiveness it burlesques, not to mention the hideous stereotypes. Stylistically, there's so much going on here, from the video game aesthetics of the pixelated opening sequence (reminding me of NARC, Smash TV, and other late 80s/early 90s arcade shooters) to the retro Godzilla wrestling match and the trashy daytime talk show, to the skateboard video shooting style, that I would hesitate to call it postmodern; hyper-postmodern is more apt. There's some laughs to be had, surely (Statham's always enjoyable as a hero caught in increasingly absurd situations), but it's strangely tiresome to watch for such a short, testosterone-edited film. Statham fans should find enough strange goings-on here to amuse them once, but everyone else will probably find it altogether too crass to care.

Movie Review: The Expendables 2 (2012)

The Expendables 2 does what a sequel should; shoots up with what worked before, and curtails its more distracting vices. There was way too much plot, and way too much pathos, in The Expendables. For the most part, that's pretty much gone here. Our titular gang of mercs are out and about, doing what they do best, when a job is botched and one of their brightest, and youngest, recruits is murdered by a gang of thieves lead by the scenery-chomping Jean-Claude Van Damme. It's a simple revenge plot, and it works, because it's simple and because it always has. After the pre-credits shootout there's a middle portion that gets a bit too dialogue-y, veering off into corny, poorly-acted sentiment, but soon enough the explosions return and they never really stop. Expendables 2 knows its core audience far better than it did before, and its brand of nostalgia is acutely knowledgeable of the expectations it needs to meet. Everyone, all those bolded text, above-the-title actors, does what they can to really ham it up. Smartly, each player gets time to do what he (and even she!, that being relative newcomer Nan Yu) does best; Stallone gets to throw those left hooks like Rocky Balboa, Statham headbutts some poor fools and throws knives, Jet Li finds the time to get down with some well-choreographed martial arts before disappearing from the film early on, and the inimitable Arnold Schwarzenegger gets to say idiotic things and fire comically big guns. It's like an 80s/90s action movie all-you-can-eat buffet; mix and match what you like from what's advertised, and you're likely to be satisfied with your meal.

Mr. T vs. Jason Statham, Part 2

Now, the thrilling climax to our once-in-a-lifetime showdown!

Mr. T vs. Jason Statham, Part 1

Chicken Man and I used to spend many hours on our grade school's primitive PCs reading about Mr. T's fictive battles with the celebrities and characters of popular culture. He always threw suckas helluva far and told the kids to drink their milk. Remember, this was a time before the Internet went crazy with broadband connections, and the ensuing streaming music and video revolution, and we had to be content with poorly rendered, MS Paint "comics" like the Mr. T vs. X series. Unfortunately, many of the links in that Yahoo! directory are now broken, but a few still work, and they're charming as hell, and that was inspiration enough for me to finally make a comic of my own. Naturally, the first person I thought of for this fantasy brawl with T was another Code Redd Net favorite, Jason Statham. I know; we've advertised Mr. T vs. A Helluva Lot of Chickens for years now, which sounds intriguing in the abstract, but I believe Statham makes for a much better opponent. So, without further adieu, I present to you the first installment in this titanic conflict between two cultural icons.

(I'd like to thank the fine fellow who wrote Mr. T vs. Pokemon for the laughs, inspiration, and rubric which I have tried to follow here, as well as the boys at Film Drunk for inspiring my admittedly baroque, blatantly ripped-off version of "Statham-speak." Only the errors and bad jokes have been mine.)

Check back tomorrow for the exciting conclusion!

Or you can just click here to continue on to Mr. T vs. Jason Statham, Part 2.

Our Third Podcast, Still On iTunes!

This week we bring you the third episode of the CRN Podcast, embedded below for you convience, and subtitled "Rumble in Vancouver," for our own amusement.

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PS2 Review: Red Faction II (2002)

At least TimeSplitters 2 (also released in 2002) had variety; Red Faction II is all action, all explosions, all the time, and generally to its detriment. Admittedly, this all-thrills approach is fun for a while, but after a few hours things start to get tedious. In a genre as staid as the first-person shooter, where all you do is shoot things with slightly different arsenals, even a modicum of variety is incalculably valuable. Red Faction II ignores basic, even fleeting, stealth combat in favor of complete demolition. Not surprisingly, you play as an explosive expert named Alias, teamed up with a band of genetically-enhanced super soldiers, on loan to the rebellious Red Faction. Though the single-player campaign is remarkably short, I enjoyed the way in which your surroundings can be manipulated. More often than not, you need to use your expertise in explosives to progress in the missions, the most obvious example being the dynamiting of barricades or walls. Too often what you need to do next feels rather forced, but seeing these obstacles crumble so realistically is enjoyable. And it's always a treat to hear the voice-talents of Jason Statham. I also enjoy the multiple endings available to you, all based on your heroics throughout the game, such as completing optional objectives and sparing the lives of innocent civilians. However, these endings are not diverse enough to justify slogging through the game again. Thankfully, though, multiplayer fares much better. You and your pals can skirmish with up to 6 bots on over 30 (admittedly small) maps. These bots can be customized and saved onto a memory card; they can be named, given specific attributes such as agility and accuracy, and fitted with a substantial selection of character skins. The game will even track their stats as they develop as players. Certainly, this is a very unique feature, especially for those of us who enjoy bot deathmatches. If you can find it cheap enough, I'd recommended it for the bot customization alone. Just don't expect to come back to it as much as you would for TimeSplitters 2.

Movie Review: Safe (2012)

Safe is the best Jason Statham movie in years, and any complaints about its formularism would be misplaced. I can hear normally adroit critics opining now: "It's doesn't break any new ground..." "No innovation..." "Run of the mill..." Such comments, most cliches themselves, miss the point of genres, that being to specifically not break new ground, at least not entirely. It's more like repainting a house than tearing it down, and obviously that kind of renovation has tremendous benefits for filmmakers as well as for audiences, who like the familiar just as much as they like something new, who enjoy a theme and its variations. Safe is an action film, and not a particularly maverick one at that, and that's truly commendable.

Statham plays a cage fighter with a dark past, as you would expect, and after he botches a rigged fight for the Russian mafia, his wife is killed, as you would expect, and he is forced to wander the streets, broke. Before he can throw himself into an oncoming subway train, he finds salvation in a young girl, as you would expect, whom he rescues from her shady pursuers. They develop an unconventional bond, as you would expect, and Statham then proceeds to break bones and shoot fools and spew one-liners with about equal measure, as you would expect. But let's not mistake narrative tropes for cliches. True, much of the story is droll, but as I've said before, hackneyed plots are a virtual prerequisite for these movies. Parts of the story were muddled, but they get us to the fun bits sure enough, and the stunt work is, for the most part, good. Camera movement is a little rough during the fight scenes, a little blurry and unsteady (per the norm of today's mainstream film), but still, you get the context and the impact; I had no problem understanding, and better still, appreciating, the many interesting ways Statham knows how to disarm adversaries. The car chases are much less competently handled, and the jerky camerawork gets a trifle out-of-hand, but thankfully they're over quickly. Dialogue is horribly cheesy and punny, but again, that's something one expects from the action cinema, and Statham's inflection is always funny, however much it is unintended, and he obviously has a natural knack for timing. Unlike Transporter 3, this one understands how to use Statham, and not just for his star image and his narrative/stylistic baggage, but for his physical capabilities as well. That's a "smart" dumb action movie.

Movie Review: Transporter 3 (2008)

This afternoon I'm off to see Safe, but in the interim I wanted to get caught up on one of Statham's more high-profile actioners. Nothing too deep, I'm afraid. I want to get there early so I can play Hydro Thunder in the lobby.

Transporter 3 (2008)

I don't remember a thing about the plot of this one. Understandable, though, forgivable, even foreseeable. Ah, but the real sin against nature, and the real sin against the genre we love, is this: Statham fights, he drives, he says funny things in that voice of his, but I don't remember a thing about them. It's like taking a road trip to some beautiful place, except you never get to do anything there, you just buy a postcard and turn around. Sure, you can tell all your friends you were there, you can even comfort yourself with souvenirs, but what do you really remember about that trip besides the interminable hours on the road? To reverse a trite phrase, movies like Transporter 3 are all about the destination, not the journey. Facile, derivative narratives are essentially a trope of the genre, and Transporter 3 astutely arrives at its destination early; unfortunately, that destination hardly worth visiting. The fight scenes are made almost incomprehensible by rapid cutting, trimming the context of a punch or kick, for instance, covering up the considerable physical abilities of Statham. This compensational technique works well for actors instead of athletes, but Statham's there for his body, not for his charm. There's no sense in compensating for something that should be showcased. What you get then is an apparition, and an even more fleeting one than usual, and one that doesn't even swear and headbutt people quite the same.

An Honorary Code Redd Net Award: Best Jason Statham Movie

For excellence in headbutts and handsomeness, we give you the Code Redd Net Award for Best Jason Statham Movie. And the nominees are...

The One (2001)
The Transporter (2002)
Transporter 2 (2005)
Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels (1998)
The Italian Job (2003)

And the winner is...

The Transporter

"Stath" Infection

Code Redd Net is dedicating this week to our favorite contemporary action star, Jason Statham. Tomorrow kicks things off proper with only the second Honorary Code Redd Net Award in history, deservedly conferred upon the Best Jason Statham Movie. We follow that up with reviews of Crank, Crank 2: High Voltage, and Transporter 3. Finally, join us on Friday for the world premiere of his latest opus, Safe, and our review.

For now, though, we present the nominees for Best Jason Statham Movie:

The One (2001)
The Transporter (2002)
Transporter 2 (2005)
Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels (1998)
The Italian Job (2003)

Jason Statham is... Safe (2012)

When 12-year-old girls go missing, you know who to call. Matter of fact, Stath could probably open a youth center for all the little kids he's saved from gangsters and corrupt gum shoes. Check out the trailer for the new Stath joint, Safe, below. It's out on April 27.

For Your Viewing Pleasure, Chickenman's Top Ten Video Games (Part 3)

This list was started with the PC classic The Sims, followed by the fantasy/science fiction (we can debate the exact genre later) classic Star Wars: Battlefront, which is to be followed today by another classic (I hope I am not thought unoriginal by picking such games).

Pardon the picture; it is meant to represent the Hitman: 47 games (and possibly a better casting choice for the role than Timothy Olyphant, who played Agent 47 in the feature film). The games have many things going for them. One of the best qualities is simply having an enigmatic and bald playable character who is meticulously professional and sports twin custom-made M1911 pistols with the extremely cool name of Silverballers (with the even cooler name Hardballers in the Hitman 2 demo). He is scary and has a bar-code on his head. Pretty cool. Secondly, the gameplay allows for variety in how to skin the cat, and one can choose (most of the time) a myriad of ways to complete their contract, such as using different disguises, setting traps, or finding places from which to snipe. Thirdly, I like the soundtracks by Jesper Kyd and have purchased various tracks from them.

If I had to pick the best of the series, the obvious choice is Blood Money. It involves features like weapon customization, face recognition if one is not a silent assassin, and much needed assassin skill of hand-to-hand combat (something that was in the Hitman 2 demo, but mysteriously not in the final version). However, the entire trilogy (which includes Hitman 2, Contracts, and Blood Money but sadly neglects the original PC game) can be obtained for under $20 (and should be obtained). They each offer unique challenges and are just plain fun.

Honorable Mentions:
Shinobi's Revenge (Genesis), Mirror's Edge (XBox 360), Mr. Clean

Movie Review: Transporter 2 (2005)

Now this is more my speed; not as self-serious as the original Transporter could be at times, but also not nearly as self-aware, ironic and cloying as that other Jason Statham's vehicle, Crank. What Transporter 2 does with this middle ground, and does with the odd sort of intelligence usually reserved for the James Bond series, is to get as ludicrous as possible but always play it straight. That's what a smart stupid action should always try to do. And in the tradition of 007, this time Statham has to topple a maniac set on infecting the world with a deadly virus. Looks like Statham has finally settled down in Miami, where he works as a chauffeur for an important government official. When the child he drives to and from school is kidnapped and ransomed, Statham sets out to recover the kid and foil the nefarious plans of a drug kingpin and his wacky girlfriend. Not only does T2 take up the revenge narrative of the first film, it smartly combines it with something of more global significance. And by that I really mean to say it suffices in motivating all kinds of spectacle. The name of the game in these kinds of movies is inventiveness. We've all seen a billion fights and a billion car chases, but T2 escalates them to absolutely absurd proportions. In particular, I was fond of the garage fight and Statham's creativity with a fire hose, as well as his final fight with the villain aboard a plummeting plane. For me, T2 has all the special effects stupidity of a video game, plus all of the focus and energy of a cartoon come to life. Too bad the next entry in the series couldn't hang with this one.

Movie Review: The Transporter (2002)

Dumb action movies might be one of the few "genres" where sequels are often better than the originals. I prefer Transporter 2, certainly (more on this later), but the first Transporter is fun as well. Though it lacks the virtuosity and unabashed gusto of its successor, its premise is fittingly, and intelligently, facile: Jason Statham plays getaway driver Frank Martin, a precise and rulebound man who maneuvers his clients out of sticky situations. His detachment from his employers' criminal activities is ruined when, on a routine assignment, he opens up his truck and finds a beautiful young lady. I know, quel coincidence! Of course, the usually unflappable Statham is immediately smitten, and like that, he decides to break his rules so he can unleash many martial arts on the parties responsible for her kidnapping. This premise works well and gives the filmmakers room to invent many fights, tailored to suit Statham's character, which, in terms of fighting style, is more Jet Li than Jackie Chan, more brutal and adult than slapstick. The fight scenes are memorable, truly, in particular Statham's encounter with a band of thugs on a bus and one bout conducted while covered in gasoline. Additionally, The Transporter begins with a wonderfully slick and inventive car chase that is worlds better than anything from the execrable Fast and Furious series. Some gaping plot holes spoil the fun somewhat, but so what, Statham seems to say, some beatdowns don't need to be sanctioned by realism. And though Transporter 2 would really let it go, this one starts things off admirably, and ridiculously, enough.