Movie Review: Parker (2013)

Oi, even loike this, they still call me 'andsome Rob.

I thought Parker could work, I really did. It's essentially the same thing as The Transporter, and more of the The Transporter couldn't possibly be a bad thing. Just switch up some character names, surround our hero with some "new" characters, new locales, and new circumstances to put a hurting on ne'er-do-wells, and you're well on your way to a successful action film. Only a dab of panache is necessary. I waited throughout the opening for something, anything, to let me know that a bit of thought, beyond rudimentary craftsmanship, had gone into Parker. I had to wait until much later to find that satisfaction, and it was a fleeting satisfaction at that. As in most tepid action movies, the plot works fine for what it is: Statham, as the titular square-dealing thief, finds himself left for dead by his crew following a particularly sloppy heist, and the rest of Parker's runtime is spent on his vengeful reacquisition of the money (that is, when it isn't spent on Jennifer Lopez's boring real estate job). The problem, then, isn't in the kind of story Parker tells, but in its execution of that story. Statham's character is guided by an ethical code strikingly similar to the "rules" laid out by his Frank Martin in the three Transporters, but unlike in those films, Parker's code comes to us piecemeal and is simply superimposed upon the action. In other words, this code gives him a few neat things to say while doing his job, but doesn't really tell us anything significant about him and serves no purpose in the overall goings-on. Furthermore, the introduction of J-Lo's debt-ridden real estate agent only muddies the waters, effectively derailing Parker's (already fledgling) narrative momentum to shoehorn in an uncooked love triangle that does nothing to raise the stakes. Sure, he needs to use her knowledge of the affluent Miami neighborhoods to find the hoods he's looking for, but the scenes between them are absolutely awkward and their relationship is never satisfactorily worked out, even in a totally oblique or open-ended fashion. Statham gets in a few choice lines, as well as some beautifully absurd disguises, but nothing truly memorable. And unlike most entries in the Statham catalogue, even the beatdowns are letdowns in Parker.

An Honorary Code Redd Net Award: Best Jason Statham Movie

For excellence in headbutts and handsomeness, we give you the Code Redd Net Award for Best Jason Statham Movie. And the nominees are...

The One (2001)
The Transporter (2002)
Transporter 2 (2005)
Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels (1998)
The Italian Job (2003)

And the winner is...

The Transporter

"Stath" Infection

Code Redd Net is dedicating this week to our favorite contemporary action star, Jason Statham. Tomorrow kicks things off proper with only the second Honorary Code Redd Net Award in history, deservedly conferred upon the Best Jason Statham Movie. We follow that up with reviews of Crank, Crank 2: High Voltage, and Transporter 3. Finally, join us on Friday for the world premiere of his latest opus, Safe, and our review.

For now, though, we present the nominees for Best Jason Statham Movie:

The One (2001)
The Transporter (2002)
Transporter 2 (2005)
Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels (1998)
The Italian Job (2003)

Finishing the Archives: The World is Not Enough (1999), Spider-Man (2002), and The Italian Job (2003)

Every Friday (or Monday, alas) we celebrate the heritage of Code Redd Net by posting a retro-review from our considerable back catalogue of embarrassingly naive, but nonetheless entertaining and heartfelt, movie and game reviews. Please pardon the prose; most of these articles were written in our immediately post-pubescent years. Hopefully you find them as enjoyable as we do.

Let's just kill this weekly feature once and for all, shall we? Only three more movie reviews to go. First up, we have The World is Not Enough. I already wrote a piece on why I thought TWINE was underrated, so here's our original, sophomoric thoughts (Chicken Man first, and then my own thoughts):

"The World is Not Enough, the 19th Bond movie, is probably the most action packed Bond movie yet or until #20 comes out. As Thrasher and Chickenman have said, we like movies containing action & comedy, and with some cool boat chases and shooting scenes, with some wise cracks this movie makes a must-see. In TWINE an evil anarchist named Renard steals plutonium to blow up Istanbul. Bond's mission is to protect Sir Robert King's daughter, Elektra. And use her as bait to find Renard and his plans. His chase leads to Valentine's (back from Goldeneye) casino and beluga plant. In attempt to stop Renard from stealing the bomb, Bond runs into a stunning IDA physicist, Christmas Jones. If you have not seen it, we highly think of this 007 flick, not just because it's Bond, but that it's 007 Licence to Kill action."

"Being the 19th Bond flick, this title had a lot to live up to. In the action department, this film delivers. 007-isms abound, and the action is almost non-stop, with some awesome stunts. Believe me, the boat chase is pretty friggin', good. Other than that, the plot is predictable, but still good stuff. But what 007 flick doesn't have any Exotic women? None, and that's a good thing. If you ask me, Denise Richards in a tight T-shirt is the best part of this movie. Action junkies, go wild."

Scathing. Insightful, truly. I speak of my own review only, of course.

Moving on now to our review of Spider-Man (once again, Chicken Man, myself second):

"Spider Man, co-created by Stan Lee, stays closely to the original comic story except for a few instances. If you're a fan of the comic a fairly recent comic entitled "Ultimate Spider Man." There is also "Peter Parker/Spider Man," "The Amazing Spider Man," and "Spider Girl." About the movie, a totally rad experience if your sitting in the front row. Tobey McGuire was also in Star Wars Episode I as Jar Jar Binks (according to the SNL episode he was in). In the box office it was a total blowout the first weekend. Thrasher and ChickenMan think this is your best bet for some action and somewhat of a drama. We call it draction. Spider Man 2 is believed to come out by 2004, so we'll wait until then."

"Based on the comics published by Marvel, this film had the potential to be a special effects masterpiece. It's that and so much more. To be exact, this flick is the first big blockbuster of 2002. Great CGI (Computer Generated Images) scenes of spidey doing what he does best. Make sure that your theatre has great audio capabilities, because if it does, your in for one great movie experience. The story, while it strays off the comics a little, fits perfectly into the big screen. Toby Maguire is great as Spidey, although the movie lacks some of the famous Spidey-wit that the web-slinger is known for. I must say, this is the greatest super-hero movie I have ever had the privilege of seeing. And if you pay close attention, Stan Lee makes an appearance. All in all, go out and see the movie, that's my best advice."

My best advice, indeed.

Finally, here's what Chicken Man had to say about The Italian Job:

"This movie had a great cast, some of my favorite actors like Seth Green, "Turkish" from The Transporter, and Jack/Steve from Fight Club. The plot was cool and fresh from what I've seen of late. It had some great cars in it like the Vanquish, BMW M series, and not to mention the Mini Coopers. I myself played the game before the movie and it didn't take anything from the experience but added to it. The best movie I've seen since Shanghai Knights. You know, it's a special feeling when you're in the theatre and watching a movie and you know you're gonna check this movie out again when it comes out. As I've seen, if you can make a game out of a movie a lot of the time it's pretty good. I've had my fair share of disappointments, but this is not one of them."

And that's a wrap. Look out for a new (non-weekly, but recurring) feature, called Retroness, in the very near feature.

Friday From the Archives: The Italian Job (Eidos, 2003)

Want Mini-Coopers plus 8 other cars? Would you like to beat the game's main mode in the same time it takes to watch its film counterpart? How about stunt courses, a blazing sense of speed, and splendid graphics? If you said yes to everything but the second question, I'm right there with ya. Nobody wants to drop fifty American for a game that features a Story mode that can be conquered in two hours. The Story mode may be short, but the gameplay is the sweetness. Racing through tight traffic on two wheels (a feat only capable in the Mini) is as much fun as it sounds, and the frame-rate is at a respectable pace throughout the game. Where the game does slowdown, however, is the two-player races, and it can get pretty nasty at times. I also found that for a movie based game, The Italian Job is severely lacking in its relationship with the movie. It seems as though the developers were given very little film footage, none of the voices or likenesses of the film's cast, and hardly anything else. With games like Enter the Matrix out there, this is completely unacceptable. Other than that, there isn't much else I disliked about this job; exciting gameplay, detailed graphics and well designed stages are all on the plus side. Even so, I can't really recommend this game as anything else but a rental because just like he movie's slogan, you'll get in, get out, and hopefully you'll break even.