Xbox 360 Review: 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand (2009)

"Where's my skull?"

50 Cent: Blood on the Sand is camp. Macho, meathead, miraculously ridiculous, straight people camp. I obviously can't recall how it was looked at in 2009, but today, on the very last day of 2023, Blood is impossible to take seriously because it takes itself so seriously. 50 isn't playing around. He wants his diamond encrusted skull back. He shoots big guns and is an incredible badass, blowing up helicopters, and pushing away women who want him because he is so cool but he is a busy man running an empire. I love Blood on the Sand. Frankly it's a dumb, bizarre, pleasingly confusing blend of mid-aughts rap culture and War on Terror fantasy role-playing. But, thankfully, backing it all up is a game that's surprisingly still fun to play, especially all 60fps'd up on the Xbox Series X. Fiddy and the rest of G-Unit, wearing bullet proof vests on stage, get tricked while out on tour by a bad promotor and set out on a mission to recover a priceless diamond skull offered to them in lieu of payment for their concert. You follow the skull through various stages of ownership, 50 often pondering "Where's my fucking skull?" There's a lot of shooting dudes in this game. That's pretty much all you do, except some times you drive a truck and shoot dudes. Albeit largely derivative and somewhat repetitive, the gunplay is satisfying and impactful. So, mechanically, Blood is a one-note Gears of War clone in a G-Unit wrapper. And that's fine. You get a couple of nice twists on the standard shooter formula, but not too much; an interesting combo system, a curse button with an attached combo bonus, and soundtrack of classic 50 tunes, such as "In the Club" and "P.I.M.P.". There's an beautiful satisfaction in those moments when you're riding around in a helicopter with your G-Unit pals, blowing up convoys, while "Disco Inferno" plays on the soundtrack. The whole thing is a bit rough around the edges, featuring an ugly 2009-ass user interface, no sprint button (just 50's saunter), and strange gaps in the story and transitions between scenes, yet the painfully earnest qualities of 50 Cent and his lil companions Tony Yayo, DJ Whoo Kid, and Lloyd Banks are all impossibly cute. Too bad it's unavailable digitally. I hope you held on to your 360 disc like I did, because it's pretty expensive and hard to find these days. 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand will be with me forever.

Xbox Series X Review: Turok 3: Shadow of Oblivion Remastered (2023)

If you've ever played Turok 3: Shadow of Oblivion on the N64, you know what that one was like. It wasn't the frame-rate crime that was Turok 2: Seeds of Evil (1998), but 3 still ran like big time butt, borderline unplayable in spots. Look. We put up with a lot of single-digit frame-rates back then. It was what we had. Thankfully, things have changed, and a lot of these old games are getting updated to look all spiffy and run nice on modern systems. They did it with the first few Turoks, but I figured they'd stop before 3 because it's so different from the others. But they didn't!

Turok 3 is different because it's very Half-Life (1998) of them; the focus on narrative is much more pervasive. Instead of distinct levels, you get a lot more interconnected areas. Instead of the sprawling, maze-like messes of the first two, Turok 3 is super linear. Overall I think this is a net positive, even if it makes the game generally pretty easy, because I'm just happy to not be lost in the meaningless, more-or-less identical corridors of Turok 2. Nevertheless, Turok 3 is a bit too short, with some aggravating sections, and a questionable level of replayability. You get two different characters (and a few unlockable ones), each with their own weapons, skillsets, and a few exclusive areas to explore, but in general the differences between them are pretty surface level.

In addition to a playable, barf-free framerate, the developers also added more ammo and health, as the dearth of pickups in the original version of the game made it much harder than it needed to be. And they took away the multiplayer! If you've played the original Turok 3, you likely remember that the multiplayer bot matches were excellent garbage, deeply customizable to break things apart with variable running speeds, anti-gravity, tons of weapons, and weirdly cramped and strangely innovative level design. They let you break it with some crazy settings and it was awesome. If they update this game, they should totally bring it back because without it, the Turok 3 package is a bit sparse for the asking price. Wait until it's cheaper! That's my advice to you.