Xbox 360 Review: 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand (2009)

"Where's my skull?"

50 Cent: Blood on the Sand is camp. Macho, meathead, miraculously ridiculous, straight people camp. I obviously can't recall how it was looked at in 2009, but today, on the very last day of 2023, Blood is impossible to take seriously because it takes itself so seriously. 50 isn't playing around. He wants his diamond encrusted skull back. He shoots big guns and is an incredible badass, blowing up helicopters, and pushing away women who want him because he is so cool but he is a busy man running an empire. I love Blood on the Sand. Frankly it's a dumb, bizarre, pleasingly confusing blend of mid-aughts rap culture and War on Terror fantasy role-playing. But, thankfully, backing it all up is a game that's surprisingly still fun to play, especially all 60fps'd up on the Xbox Series X. Fiddy and the rest of G-Unit, wearing bullet proof vests on stage, get tricked while out on tour by a bad promotor and set out on a mission to recover a priceless diamond skull offered to them in lieu of payment for their concert. You follow the skull through various stages of ownership, 50 often pondering "Where's my fucking skull?" There's a lot of shooting dudes in this game. That's pretty much all you do, except some times you drive a truck and shoot dudes. Albeit largely derivative and somewhat repetitive, the gunplay is satisfying and impactful. So, mechanically, Blood is a one-note Gears of War clone in a G-Unit wrapper. And that's fine. You get a couple of nice twists on the standard shooter formula, but not too much; an interesting combo system, a curse button with an attached combo bonus, and soundtrack of classic 50 tunes, such as "In the Club" and "P.I.M.P.". There's an beautiful satisfaction in those moments when you're riding around in a helicopter with your G-Unit pals, blowing up convoys, while "Disco Inferno" plays on the soundtrack. The whole thing is a bit rough around the edges, featuring an ugly 2009-ass user interface, no sprint button (just 50's saunter), and strange gaps in the story and transitions between scenes, yet the painfully earnest qualities of 50 Cent and his lil companions Tony Yayo, DJ Whoo Kid, and Lloyd Banks are all impossibly cute. Too bad it's unavailable digitally. I hope you held on to your 360 disc like I did, because it's pretty expensive and hard to find these days. 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand will be with me forever.