Movie Review: Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002)

Evidently Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever is "widely considered" (that's a fun thing to say) to be one of the worst films on this, or really any other, planet. Wikipedia has it on a prestigious list of "films considered the worst" by "reputable critics." While my dedication to reviewing numerous Jean-Claude Van Damme films, as well as nonsense like this, may lead some of you to believe I enjoy pain, honestly I trust no one, least of all "reputable critics." To be sure, this film is hideous and stupid, but it's far from one of the worst. I just had to see it for myself.

Two agents, one a family man/divorcee/chain smoker FBI agent (that would be Ecks) and the other a cold-hearted assassin/mother/ex- or current government agent of another kind/maybe? (Sever), seem to dislike each other for a general (as opposed to a particular) reason. They must work together to keep a kind of biomechanical device, floating around in the bloodstream of a child, out of the hands of other government agents/corrupt assholes/who? I'm not sure who's working for whom in this one. I'm not sure what the biomechanical device does besides something bad. In fact, I'm not sure what really goes on in Ballistic. I'm not sure the producers or the marketing people did either. I suspect nobody does or did. Please read through the following synopsis from Rotten Tomatoes:

"Two former government agents square off as they search for the most deadly new weapon on Earth in this white-knuckle thriller. Sever (Lucy Liu) was once a top agent with the Defense Intelligence Agency, but she quit when her son was killed in a bungled raid organized by Gant (Gregg Henry), and has sworn to take vengeance against him and his colleagues. When Sever learns that Gant and his team are in possession of a remarkable new weapon -- a microscopic device injected into the victim's bloodstream which is benign until triggered, then kills immediately without leaving a trace -- she is determined to get her hands on it, whatever the cost. However, Gant has turned rogue, and FBI agent Julio Martin (Miguel Sandoval) has been ordered to find him and recover his new weapon. Martin needs the best man he can find for the job, and calls upon Jeremiah Ecks (Antonio Banderas), a former FBI tracker, to do the job. Ecks quit the Bureau when his wife was killed, but Martin informs Ecks that his spouse is actually alive and in hiding, and if he can bring in Gant, she will be returned to him. But Ecks has to face the most formidable adversary of his life in Sever, a master of mayhem bent on revenge."

lolz, don't work for the government, I guess. At best you'll have a hard time identifying where and with whom you work, let alone actually getting things done, saving children, capturing rogue elements, all that.

Ballistic is the kind of thing I would've liked (probably not loved, but certainly liked) when I was 13, so there were moments in this film that I enjoyed very much. Sever's shootout with the cops is serviceable enough for action cinema, although Ecks and Sever's titular showdown on a rooftop turns out to be a big ruse (more like Ballistic: Ecks and Sever, right?). Ballistic may be bland, but it has the good taste to be short and moronic, and those are the hallmarks of inoffensive cinema. Look, people get chased and cars get flipped over and secret agent-y things get done and Banderas smokes a bunch. It's filmed in a way that doesn't hurt your ear or eye holes to watch. Is it especially stimulating, revelatory, educational, beautiful? No. Is it one of the worst films around? Hardly. It's bad, but it's not that bad.

Classic Chan: Shanghai Noon (2000)

Coming to the last review by Chicken Man in our Classic Chan series, we take a look at one of Jackie's distinctly American films, Shanghai Noon. Thrasher will bring the series to a close with Accidental Spy. But fret not, we will looking at more Chan favorites in the future.

Shanghai Noon is undoubtedly one of Jackie's best American films. It is perhaps the best film with which to introduce Jackie to a Western audience (no pun intended). The plot is quite simple: the princess of the Forbidden City (Lucy Liu) is kidnapped and held for ransom in the American West. Chon Wang (Jackie) is an imperial guard who is sent to pay her ransom and ensure her return. Along the way, he runs into screw-up outlaw Roy O'Bannon (Owen Wilson) and they become reluctant buddies. The action scenes are also tailored to fit the typical American movie-goer in that they are much shorter than the ones in Jackie's Hong Kong films. Interestingly enough, Jackie's skills as an action star shine through even without forcing some anachronism to do car chases, underwater stunts, helicopter hijacking, or destroy drug dealer's houses with large machinery. The focus is primarily upon his martial arts abilities, one of the highlights being his turning a horseshoe and rope into an effective medium-range melee weapon. He is also involved in a bar fight scene that is easily within the top ten bar fight scenes shown on film. And, as if he were a contestant on The Deadliest Warrior, Jackie tests his mettle against Native American warriors. Every fight scene advances the story (unlike the entertaining, but ultimately pointless, skirmishes between Jackie and Mr. Lo's henchmen), which keeps things fast-paced and moving along. And despite Owen Wilson's presence in it, Shanghai Noon is actually quite funny. It's really hard to point at any single thing and say that it is a flaw (besides the fact that it doesn't have a game like Shanghai Knights does). It defines the Martial Arts Western Action Comedy genre (however big that is), and is simply a solid film. This is truly a Chan classic.

[P.S. Shanghai Noon is also a loaded DVD and will be featured in our upcoming DVD review series, which will highlight some of our favorite DVDs, back from when they used to put worthwhile special features on them.]