Every Friday (or Saturday, alas) we celebrate the heritage of Code Redd Net by posting a retro-review from our considerable back catalogue of embarrassingly naive, but nonetheless entertaining and heartfelt, movie and game reviews. Please pardon the prose; most of these articles were written in our immediately post-pubescent years. Hopefully you find them as enjoyable as we do.
Certainly scraping the bottom of the barrel now. Here's my rather nonsensical piece on the "second" Star Wars do-over. I would absolutely be much harsher towards it these days, but whatever, it is what it is:
"I've come to dread the recent Star Wars films. Maybe it is because the first three are so good. While Episode 1 was worthy of seeing, it was not worthy of buying. Episode II was highly anticipated as one of this summer's biggest blockbusters, and it turned out not so good. The action and CGI were exceptionally amazing, but the rest of the movie was too much melodrama. And the movie quits out right at the beginning of the Clone Wars, one of the best parts of the movie. Why? I have no earthly idea. Besides that, Yoda was taking all kinds of names. It was quite enjoyable. Other than that Chewy was unseen in this movie, it was not very good at all. Don't count that against seeing this movie though, as it should be seen by all movie fans."
Pardon? Logic, children; learn from my mistakes and learn how to use simple, rational, logic when constructing an argument. ChickenMan 2002, the floor is yours:
"Ah, yes, the fifth installment in the Star Wars saga, the second in prequels, and the newest Star Wars film. Too much romance in this flick for ChickenMan, though I rather enjoyed when Darth slaughters those Tusken Raiders. Heh. Obi Wan seems horribly less good looking with that animal on his face. Tsk, tsk. But that Natalie Portman is a hot one, yes? To make interest with that battle with Yoda, quite the action sequence with him jumpin', spinnin'... Should be called Attack of the Midgets. We had some fun in the theatre making Chewie noises and yelling to Obi Wan, "Cut his head off!" And by some weird twist of fate, he slices and Mr. Bounty's short one noggin. Plenty of fun like that. Have some of the fun and see Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Midgets."