The Transporter Refuelled (2015) Trailer

Pardon us while we remodel the site. In the meantime, enjoy this trailer for the rebooted Transporter franchise.

I don't know how to feel about this one. Transporter 3 was all kinds of awful, of course, but I'm not sure I would've hit the reset button so hard.

Mr. T vs. Jason Statham, Part 1

Chicken Man and I used to spend many hours on our grade school's primitive PCs reading about Mr. T's fictive battles with the celebrities and characters of popular culture. He always threw suckas helluva far and told the kids to drink their milk. Remember, this was a time before the Internet went crazy with broadband connections, and the ensuing streaming music and video revolution, and we had to be content with poorly rendered, MS Paint "comics" like the Mr. T vs. X series. Unfortunately, many of the links in that Yahoo! directory are now broken, but a few still work, and they're charming as hell, and that was inspiration enough for me to finally make a comic of my own. Naturally, the first person I thought of for this fantasy brawl with T was another Code Redd Net favorite, Jason Statham. I know; we've advertised Mr. T vs. A Helluva Lot of Chickens for years now, which sounds intriguing in the abstract, but I believe Statham makes for a much better opponent. So, without further adieu, I present to you the first installment in this titanic conflict between two cultural icons.

(I'd like to thank the fine fellow who wrote Mr. T vs. Pokemon for the laughs, inspiration, and rubric which I have tried to follow here, as well as the boys at Film Drunk for inspiring my admittedly baroque, blatantly ripped-off version of "Statham-speak." Only the errors and bad jokes have been mine.)

Check back tomorrow for the exciting conclusion!

Or you can just click here to continue on to Mr. T vs. Jason Statham, Part 2.

Movie Review: Safe (2012)

Safe is the best Jason Statham movie in years, and any complaints about its formularism would be misplaced. I can hear normally adroit critics opining now: "It's doesn't break any new ground..." "No innovation..." "Run of the mill..." Such comments, most cliches themselves, miss the point of genres, that being to specifically not break new ground, at least not entirely. It's more like repainting a house than tearing it down, and obviously that kind of renovation has tremendous benefits for filmmakers as well as for audiences, who like the familiar just as much as they like something new, who enjoy a theme and its variations. Safe is an action film, and not a particularly maverick one at that, and that's truly commendable.

Statham plays a cage fighter with a dark past, as you would expect, and after he botches a rigged fight for the Russian mafia, his wife is killed, as you would expect, and he is forced to wander the streets, broke. Before he can throw himself into an oncoming subway train, he finds salvation in a young girl, as you would expect, whom he rescues from her shady pursuers. They develop an unconventional bond, as you would expect, and Statham then proceeds to break bones and shoot fools and spew one-liners with about equal measure, as you would expect. But let's not mistake narrative tropes for cliches. True, much of the story is droll, but as I've said before, hackneyed plots are a virtual prerequisite for these movies. Parts of the story were muddled, but they get us to the fun bits sure enough, and the stunt work is, for the most part, good. Camera movement is a little rough during the fight scenes, a little blurry and unsteady (per the norm of today's mainstream film), but still, you get the context and the impact; I had no problem understanding, and better still, appreciating, the many interesting ways Statham knows how to disarm adversaries. The car chases are much less competently handled, and the jerky camerawork gets a trifle out-of-hand, but thankfully they're over quickly. Dialogue is horribly cheesy and punny, but again, that's something one expects from the action cinema, and Statham's inflection is always funny, however much it is unintended, and he obviously has a natural knack for timing. Unlike Transporter 3, this one understands how to use Statham, and not just for his star image and his narrative/stylistic baggage, but for his physical capabilities as well. That's a "smart" dumb action movie.

Movie Review: Transporter 3 (2008)

This afternoon I'm off to see Safe, but in the interim I wanted to get caught up on one of Statham's more high-profile actioners. Nothing too deep, I'm afraid. I want to get there early so I can play Hydro Thunder in the lobby.

Transporter 3 (2008)

I don't remember a thing about the plot of this one. Understandable, though, forgivable, even foreseeable. Ah, but the real sin against nature, and the real sin against the genre we love, is this: Statham fights, he drives, he says funny things in that voice of his, but I don't remember a thing about them. It's like taking a road trip to some beautiful place, except you never get to do anything there, you just buy a postcard and turn around. Sure, you can tell all your friends you were there, you can even comfort yourself with souvenirs, but what do you really remember about that trip besides the interminable hours on the road? To reverse a trite phrase, movies like Transporter 3 are all about the destination, not the journey. Facile, derivative narratives are essentially a trope of the genre, and Transporter 3 astutely arrives at its destination early; unfortunately, that destination hardly worth visiting. The fight scenes are made almost incomprehensible by rapid cutting, trimming the context of a punch or kick, for instance, covering up the considerable physical abilities of Statham. This compensational technique works well for actors instead of athletes, but Statham's there for his body, not for his charm. There's no sense in compensating for something that should be showcased. What you get then is an apparition, and an even more fleeting one than usual, and one that doesn't even swear and headbutt people quite the same.

"Stath" Infection

Code Redd Net is dedicating this week to our favorite contemporary action star, Jason Statham. Tomorrow kicks things off proper with only the second Honorary Code Redd Net Award in history, deservedly conferred upon the Best Jason Statham Movie. We follow that up with reviews of Crank, Crank 2: High Voltage, and Transporter 3. Finally, join us on Friday for the world premiere of his latest opus, Safe, and our review.

For now, though, we present the nominees for Best Jason Statham Movie:

The One (2001)
The Transporter (2002)
Transporter 2 (2005)
Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels (1998)
The Italian Job (2003)

Jason Statham is... Safe (2012)

When 12-year-old girls go missing, you know who to call. Matter of fact, Stath could probably open a youth center for all the little kids he's saved from gangsters and corrupt gum shoes. Check out the trailer for the new Stath joint, Safe, below. It's out on April 27.

Movie Review: Transporter 2 (2005)

Now this is more my speed; not as self-serious as the original Transporter could be at times, but also not nearly as self-aware, ironic and cloying as that other Jason Statham's vehicle, Crank. What Transporter 2 does with this middle ground, and does with the odd sort of intelligence usually reserved for the James Bond series, is to get as ludicrous as possible but always play it straight. That's what a smart stupid action should always try to do. And in the tradition of 007, this time Statham has to topple a maniac set on infecting the world with a deadly virus. Looks like Statham has finally settled down in Miami, where he works as a chauffeur for an important government official. When the child he drives to and from school is kidnapped and ransomed, Statham sets out to recover the kid and foil the nefarious plans of a drug kingpin and his wacky girlfriend. Not only does T2 take up the revenge narrative of the first film, it smartly combines it with something of more global significance. And by that I really mean to say it suffices in motivating all kinds of spectacle. The name of the game in these kinds of movies is inventiveness. We've all seen a billion fights and a billion car chases, but T2 escalates them to absolutely absurd proportions. In particular, I was fond of the garage fight and Statham's creativity with a fire hose, as well as his final fight with the villain aboard a plummeting plane. For me, T2 has all the special effects stupidity of a video game, plus all of the focus and energy of a cartoon come to life. Too bad the next entry in the series couldn't hang with this one.

Movie Review: The Transporter (2002)

Dumb action movies might be one of the few "genres" where sequels are often better than the originals. I prefer Transporter 2, certainly (more on this later), but the first Transporter is fun as well. Though it lacks the virtuosity and unabashed gusto of its successor, its premise is fittingly, and intelligently, facile: Jason Statham plays getaway driver Frank Martin, a precise and rulebound man who maneuvers his clients out of sticky situations. His detachment from his employers' criminal activities is ruined when, on a routine assignment, he opens up his truck and finds a beautiful young lady. I know, quel coincidence! Of course, the usually unflappable Statham is immediately smitten, and like that, he decides to break his rules so he can unleash many martial arts on the parties responsible for her kidnapping. This premise works well and gives the filmmakers room to invent many fights, tailored to suit Statham's character, which, in terms of fighting style, is more Jet Li than Jackie Chan, more brutal and adult than slapstick. The fight scenes are memorable, truly, in particular Statham's encounter with a band of thugs on a bus and one bout conducted while covered in gasoline. Additionally, The Transporter begins with a wonderfully slick and inventive car chase that is worlds better than anything from the execrable Fast and Furious series. Some gaping plot holes spoil the fun somewhat, but so what, Statham seems to say, some beatdowns don't need to be sanctioned by realism. And though Transporter 2 would really let it go, this one starts things off admirably, and ridiculously, enough.