Showing posts with label Headbutts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Headbutts. Show all posts

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Mr. T vs. Jason Statham, Part 1

Chicken Man and I used to spend many hours on our grade school's primitive PCs reading about Mr. T's fictive battles with the celebrities and characters of popular culture. He always threw suckas helluva far and told the kids to drink their milk. Remember, this was a time before the Internet went crazy with broadband connections, and the ensuing streaming music and video revolution, and we had to be content with poorly rendered, MS Paint "comics" like the Mr. T vs. X series. Unfortunately, many of the links in that Yahoo! directory are now broken, but a few still work, and they're charming as hell, and that was inspiration enough for me to finally make a comic of my own. Naturally, the first person I thought of for this fantasy brawl with T was another Code Redd Net favorite, Jason Statham. I know; we've advertised Mr. T vs. A Helluva Lot of Chickens for years now, which sounds intriguing in the abstract, but I believe Statham makes for a much better opponent. So, without further adieu, I present to you the first installment in this titanic conflict between two cultural icons.

(I'd like to thank the fine fellow who wrote Mr. T vs. Pokemon for the laughs, inspiration, and rubric which I have tried to follow here, as well as the boys at Film Drunk for inspiring my admittedly baroque, blatantly ripped-off version of "Statham-speak." Only the errors and bad jokes have been mine.)














Check back tomorrow for the exciting conclusion!

Or you can just click here to continue on to Mr. T vs. Jason Statham, Part 2.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Movie Review: Safe (2012)


Safe is the best Jason Statham movie in years, and any complaints about its formularism would be misplaced. I can hear normally adroit critics opining now: "It's doesn't break any new ground..." "No innovation..." "Run of the mill..." Such comments, most cliches themselves, miss the point of genres, that being to specifically not break new ground, at least not entirely. It's more like repainting a house than tearing it down, and obviously that kind of renovation has tremendous benefits for filmmakers as well as for audiences, who like the familiar just as much as they like something new, who enjoy a theme and its variations. Safe is an action film, and not a particularly maverick one at that, and that's truly commendable.

Statham plays a cage fighter with a dark past, as you would expect, and after he botches a rigged fight for the Russian mafia, his wife is killed, as you would expect, and he is forced to wander the streets, broke. Before he can throw himself into an oncoming subway train, he finds salvation in a young girl, as you would expect, whom he rescues from her shady pursuers. They develop an unconventional bond, as you would expect, and Statham then proceeds to break bones and shoot fools and spew one-liners with about equal measure, as you would expect. But let's not mistake narrative tropes for cliches. True, much of the story is droll, but as I've said before, hackneyed plots are a virtual prerequisite for these movies. Parts of the story were muddled, but they get us to the fun bits sure enough, and the stunt work is, for the most part, good. Camera movement is a little rough during the fight scenes, a little blurry and unsteady (per the norm of today's mainstream film), but still, you get the context and the impact; I had no problem understanding, and better still, appreciating, the many interesting ways Statham knows how to disarm adversaries. The car chases are much less competently handled, and the jerky camerawork gets a trifle out-of-hand, but thankfully they're over quickly. Dialogue is horribly cheesy and punny, but again, that's something one expects from the action cinema, and Statham's inflection is always funny, however much it is unintended, and he obviously has a natural knack for timing. Unlike Transporter 3, this one understands how to use Statham, and not just for his star image and his narrative/stylistic baggage, but for his physical capabilities as well. That's a "smart" dumb action movie.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Movie Review: Transporter 3 (2008)

This afternoon I'm off to see Safe, but in the interim I wanted to get caught up on one of Statham's more high-profile actioners. Nothing too deep, I'm afraid. I want to get there early so I can play Hydro Thunder in the lobby.


Transporter 3 (2008)

I don't remember a thing about the plot of this one. Understandable, though, forgivable, even foreseeable. Ah, but the real sin against nature, and the real sin against the genre we love, is this: Statham fights, he drives, he says funny things in that voice of his, but I don't remember a thing about them. It's like taking a road trip to some beautiful place, except you never get to do anything there, you just buy a postcard and turn around. Sure, you can tell all your friends you were there, you can even comfort yourself with souvenirs, but what do you really remember about that trip besides the interminable hours on the road? To reverse a trite phrase, movies like Transporter 3 are all about the destination, not the journey. Facile, derivative narratives are essentially a trope of the genre, and Transporter 3 astutely arrives at its destination early; unfortunately, that destination hardly worth visiting. The fight scenes are made almost incomprehensible by rapid cutting, trimming the context of a punch or kick, for instance, covering up the considerable physical abilities of Statham. This compensational technique works well for actors instead of athletes, but Statham's there for his body, not for his charm. There's no sense in compensating for something that should be showcased. What you get then is an apparition, and an even more fleeting one than usual, and one that doesn't even swear and headbutt people quite the same.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

An Honorary Code Redd Net Award: Best Jason Statham Movie

For excellence in headbutts and handsomeness, we give you the Code Redd Net Award for Best Jason Statham Movie. And the nominees are...

The One (2001)
The Transporter (2002)
Transporter 2 (2005)
Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels (1998)
The Italian Job (2003)

And the winner is...

The Transporter

Monday, April 23, 2012

"Stath" Infection


Code Redd Net is dedicating this week to our favorite contemporary action star, Jason Statham. Tomorrow kicks things off proper with only the second Honorary Code Redd Net Award in history, deservedly conferred upon the Best Jason Statham Movie. We follow that up with reviews of Crank, Crank 2: High Voltage, and Transporter 3. Finally, join us on Friday for the world premiere of his latest opus, Safe, and our review.

For now, though, we present the nominees for Best Jason Statham Movie:

The One (2001)
The Transporter (2002)
Transporter 2 (2005)
Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels (1998)
The Italian Job (2003)