Finishing the Archives: The World is Not Enough (1999), Spider-Man (2002), and The Italian Job (2003)

Every Friday (or Monday, alas) we celebrate the heritage of Code Redd Net by posting a retro-review from our considerable back catalogue of embarrassingly naive, but nonetheless entertaining and heartfelt, movie and game reviews. Please pardon the prose; most of these articles were written in our immediately post-pubescent years. Hopefully you find them as enjoyable as we do.

Let's just kill this weekly feature once and for all, shall we? Only three more movie reviews to go. First up, we have The World is Not Enough. I already wrote a piece on why I thought TWINE was underrated, so here's our original, sophomoric thoughts (Chicken Man first, and then my own thoughts):

"The World is Not Enough, the 19th Bond movie, is probably the most action packed Bond movie yet or until #20 comes out. As Thrasher and Chickenman have said, we like movies containing action & comedy, and with some cool boat chases and shooting scenes, with some wise cracks this movie makes a must-see. In TWINE an evil anarchist named Renard steals plutonium to blow up Istanbul. Bond's mission is to protect Sir Robert King's daughter, Elektra. And use her as bait to find Renard and his plans. His chase leads to Valentine's (back from Goldeneye) casino and beluga plant. In attempt to stop Renard from stealing the bomb, Bond runs into a stunning IDA physicist, Christmas Jones. If you have not seen it, we highly think of this 007 flick, not just because it's Bond, but that it's 007 Licence to Kill action."

"Being the 19th Bond flick, this title had a lot to live up to. In the action department, this film delivers. 007-isms abound, and the action is almost non-stop, with some awesome stunts. Believe me, the boat chase is pretty friggin', good. Other than that, the plot is predictable, but still good stuff. But what 007 flick doesn't have any Exotic women? None, and that's a good thing. If you ask me, Denise Richards in a tight T-shirt is the best part of this movie. Action junkies, go wild."

Scathing. Insightful, truly. I speak of my own review only, of course.

Moving on now to our review of Spider-Man (once again, Chicken Man, myself second):

"Spider Man, co-created by Stan Lee, stays closely to the original comic story except for a few instances. If you're a fan of the comic a fairly recent comic entitled "Ultimate Spider Man." There is also "Peter Parker/Spider Man," "The Amazing Spider Man," and "Spider Girl." About the movie, a totally rad experience if your sitting in the front row. Tobey McGuire was also in Star Wars Episode I as Jar Jar Binks (according to the SNL episode he was in). In the box office it was a total blowout the first weekend. Thrasher and ChickenMan think this is your best bet for some action and somewhat of a drama. We call it draction. Spider Man 2 is believed to come out by 2004, so we'll wait until then."

"Based on the comics published by Marvel, this film had the potential to be a special effects masterpiece. It's that and so much more. To be exact, this flick is the first big blockbuster of 2002. Great CGI (Computer Generated Images) scenes of spidey doing what he does best. Make sure that your theatre has great audio capabilities, because if it does, your in for one great movie experience. The story, while it strays off the comics a little, fits perfectly into the big screen. Toby Maguire is great as Spidey, although the movie lacks some of the famous Spidey-wit that the web-slinger is known for. I must say, this is the greatest super-hero movie I have ever had the privilege of seeing. And if you pay close attention, Stan Lee makes an appearance. All in all, go out and see the movie, that's my best advice."

My best advice, indeed.

Finally, here's what Chicken Man had to say about The Italian Job:

"This movie had a great cast, some of my favorite actors like Seth Green, "Turkish" from The Transporter, and Jack/Steve from Fight Club. The plot was cool and fresh from what I've seen of late. It had some great cars in it like the Vanquish, BMW M series, and not to mention the Mini Coopers. I myself played the game before the movie and it didn't take anything from the experience but added to it. The best movie I've seen since Shanghai Knights. You know, it's a special feeling when you're in the theatre and watching a movie and you know you're gonna check this movie out again when it comes out. As I've seen, if you can make a game out of a movie a lot of the time it's pretty good. I've had my fair share of disappointments, but this is not one of them."

And that's a wrap. Look out for a new (non-weekly, but recurring) feature, called Retroness, in the very near feature.

PS1 Review: Tomorrow Never Dies (1999)

When I first heard, way back in 2004, that Everthing or Nothing was going to give us a third-person 007 for the first time since PS1's Tomorrow Never Dies, I was worried. Thankfully, I was wrong about that one, but those fears were not totally unfounded. TND is a very flawed game. Not only is it extraordinarily ugly (even for a PS1 game) but trying to control Bond only makes matters that much worse. Aiming your weapon is a tedious exercise at best, and even worse, weapons cannot be reloaded manually. Stealth is practically nonexistent, and I'm not sure if this is by design or a result of the bland and foggy levels that make stealthy approaches impossible. Fortunately, though, the tedious third-person shooting is broken up a bit by the requisite driving missions. While Bond's car is slow and slippery, the real highlight of TND is the skiing sections. Truthfully, they are the very best skiing missions in any 007 title (and here, I admit, it only compares the skiing in both versions of The World is Not Enough). Even the clips from the movie that often bracket the missions are disappointing. And, of course, if you stick with TND long enough to finish the final mission, the complete lack of multiplayer features means this game goes on the shelf rather quickly and never gets dusted off. Bond fans might be moderately entertained, but everyone else can just play The World is Not Enough for their James Bond PS1 fix.

Thursday Double Feature: The Ides of March (2011) and Moneyball (2011)

This combination is due to the pairing of a local theatre offering a double feature.

I didn't really know what I was getting into with The Ides of March. I wanted to see Moneyball and it so happened that it was the second part of a double feature and this was tacked on before it. I refused to watch a trailer of it, as I find that every so often a trailer or even a movie description exposes too much and spoils some of the enjoyment. But after seeing the movie itself, I believe that had I known what the movie was about, I would have never watched it. So let me make this short: it is a political thriller about a campaign manager, the scandalous presidential candidate he works for, and a young female intern. And by saying just that you already know the story. If this sounds like your cup of tea, do what you will. But I would save myself a couple of hours, some money, and skip this. It is not entertaining, it will not give you any new insights to the world (unless, perhaps, you have any naiveties regarding politicians and politics), it will not uplift, encourage, or inspire. It doesn't seem to do anything a movie is traditionally meant to do, but what you don't want it to do.

I was very interested once I had heard that a screen production of Moneyball was being made because reading the book years previously made me a fan of the Oakland A's and their unconventional management style (along with their being one of the underdogs of baseball). The movie did not disappoint. Though the book was mostly about Oakland's methodology (therefore being a difficult translation to film), the movie covered their 2002 season, along with a greater focus on the life of the general manager, Billy Beane. The book, as far as I can recall, hadn't much to say about the person Billy Beane, and it now feels like the story would be incomplete without such information. What is great about this is that the book and movie act as complements instead of substitutes. The latter gives a greater sense of the risk Beane took in going against established scout practices and hence the drama that the book didn't fully capture. However, it failed to reveal how successful he had been over the span of several seasons I imagine might leave some who are new to the story feeling as though his winning was more based on luck than anything else (especially with Beane's quirky superstitious practices). But overall, it was very well done and would recommend it, even to those who don't like baseball. But for those who do, it is a must-see. Rarely are movies based on true baseball stories this good.

Finest Fights: Colombiana (2011)

Bringing you the best fight scenes available on YouTube, every Tuesday afternoon (or Wednesday when we forget).

Mixed feelings about this movie as a whole, but the action set pieces were interesting enough.

Special Saturday Edition From the Archives: Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)

Every Friday (or Saturday, alas) we celebrate the heritage of Code Redd Net by posting a retro-review from our considerable back catalogue of embarrassingly naive, but nonetheless entertaining and heartfelt, movie and game reviews. Please pardon the prose; most of these articles were written in our immediately post-pubescent years. Hopefully you find them as enjoyable as we do.

Certainly scraping the bottom of the barrel now. Here's my rather nonsensical piece on the "second" Star Wars do-over. I would absolutely be much harsher towards it these days, but whatever, it is what it is:


"I've come to dread the recent Star Wars films. Maybe it is because the first three are so good. While Episode 1 was worthy of seeing, it was not worthy of buying. Episode II was highly anticipated as one of this summer's biggest blockbusters, and it turned out not so good. The action and CGI were exceptionally amazing, but the rest of the movie was too much melodrama. And the movie quits out right at the beginning of the Clone Wars, one of the best parts of the movie. Why? I have no earthly idea. Besides that, Yoda was taking all kinds of names. It was quite enjoyable. Other than that Chewy was unseen in this movie, it was not very good at all. Don't count that against seeing this movie though, as it should be seen by all movie fans."

Pardon? Logic, children; learn from my mistakes and learn how to use simple, rational, logic when constructing an argument. ChickenMan 2002, the floor is yours:


"Ah, yes, the fifth installment in the Star Wars saga, the second in prequels, and the newest Star Wars film. Too much romance in this flick for ChickenMan, though I rather enjoyed when Darth slaughters those Tusken Raiders. Heh. Obi Wan seems horribly less good looking with that animal on his face. Tsk, tsk. But that Natalie Portman is a hot one, yes? To make interest with that battle with Yoda, quite the action sequence with him jumpin', spinnin'... Should be called Attack of the Midgets. We had some fun in the theatre making Chewie noises and yelling to Obi Wan, "Cut his head off!" And by some weird twist of fate, he slices and Mr. Bounty's short one noggin. Plenty of fun like that. Have some of the fun and see Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Midgets."

Thursday Double Feature: Blitz (2011) and The Mechanic (2011)

This double feature features two fairly recent Jason Statham flicks, adding to his resume but not a whole lot to his reputation in terms of reliably starring in superior films. This is disappointing, as I feel that Statham has a lot of potential as an action star icon, especially in consideration of his Super Bowl commercial reflecting his penchant for driving cars in a brisk manner:

Perhaps I am holding my expectations for him too high in light of the fact that most action stars have had their share of mediocre movies that surround their bigger hits. In fact, there are some action stars who haven't really even been in a good movie, like Steven Seagull or Chuck Norris (though I did very much like Side Kicks). Even Jackie Chan has been in over 100 movies and many of them would have been improved had they simply been edited to involve only the fight scenes. Not every movie can be The Transporter, but not every one need be In the Name of the King, either. Here are a couple that fall somewhere in between:

In Blitz, Code Redd Net favorite Jason Statham plays a London bobby who has a taste for brutality. "Blitz" is a man played by perennial villain Aidan Gillen (who was Lord Rathbone in Shanghai Knights and Miles Jackson opposite John Cena in 12 Rounds) who was victim of this police brutality. Although meant to be an antagonist, I found myself sympathizing with the Blitz's frustration with the impunity of the police (in one scene Statham is being reprimanded for beating up some car thieves, but claims he might go crazy if he lost his job, subtly threatening the internal affairs investigator of the police department. I don't see this as factually inaccurate, as I imagine most police officers wouldn't know what occupations they would be able to do that didn't involve harassing people, nor are police departments effective at releasing violent officers since that is typically a desirable trait among them). And so I encountered a situation which I dislike: a movie having a protagonist it clearly wants me to like and support when I feel more inclined to see the "bad guy" emerge victorious. But even here I find that I can hold no torch for either side (as neither brutal cops nor people who kill randomly are admirable) and consequently find it too like real tragic events, such as the unintended consequences of the enforcement of laws against victimless crimes. Here again I can cheer for neither side but can rest assured that the cure will be worse than the disease. My problem with the movie is not that it has something tragic, but that it responds with trite and conventional ideas. For too long we have been taught the myths that police are beyond reproach, their jobs are dangerous, and their lives are more important than ours. It is a shame that mainstream cinema simply perpetuates these ideas and does not challenge them, as the art should. Ultimately, I found no part of this film making it worth watching, but one could do much worse.

How many words are there for someone who kills for money? Assassin, gun-for-hire, cleaner, hit man...mechanic (though the latter can be confused with other vocations). Jason Statham is one, seeming reminiscent of Frank Martin, The Transporter, in terms of his professionalism and lifestyle of seclusion (minus the company of a prostitute, a term which also has many synonyms of its own). Statham finds himself training Ben Foster (whom it took me a long time to place as a bandit in 3:10 to Yuma) as his protege, and the adventure ensues.

Now, since my goal is to write a review and not a plot summary, I will get to it. Overall, I felt like The Mechanic was worth a view but lacked anything that made it stand out. Though I describe Statham's character as a professional, he doesn't demonstrate a level of proficiency like Leon The Professional. Mechanic may be an apt metaphor: Statham is good with his tools and knows how to use them whereas Leon is like an engineer of assassination.

It definitely is a story about loyalty, but not one involving moral dilemmas that someone will discuss much afterwards. This is not to say that action movies should be philosophical, but that they should have something memorable. you might know what movies to which I'm referring if I only mention a gun fight involving broken glass and bare feet or a heavily accented Australian wielding a machete. The Mechanic's most memorable quirk might be that of Ben Foster seducing a very large man, and that might be just enough to make it memorable as a movie. But, unfortunately, whatever its merits, they are not enough to carry it through in such a manner that I desire much to watch it again.

Finest Fights: Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984)

Bringing you the best fight scenes available on YouTube, every Tuesday (or Wednesday when we forget) afternoon.

I know I'm stretching the rules again, but you might say this is a fight scene, in the sense that Turbo here is "fighting" the laws of gravity. Makes sense to me.

N64 Review: Fighting Force 64 (1999)

Regrettably, Fighting Force 64 is essentially it for post-Genesis and SNES beat-'em-ups. For whatever reason, the genre perfected by Streets of Rage 2 never quite made the jump to 3D, so FF64 is as far along as things ever got. And despite its flaws, I think FF64 is an fine, faithful, and absolutely admirable entry in the unfortunately deceased lineage of the mindless brawler. In the tradition of all beat-'em-ups, story means nothing: four renegade police officers set out to take down a gang kingpin named Dr. Zeng. Why? Who cares? is more like it. You start out the game by kicking down his office door and throwing droves of his henchmen around the shiny hallways. Why and how you move on to the other locations (such as a shopping mall, subway station, aircraft carrier) is never explained, and never needs to be. You just jam on the A and B buttons (and, for a little variety, you can add in a running kick by holding down Z or you can try grappling with C-down) until all enemies in the stage have been thoroughly smackdowned. Bonus points are dished out for destroying the stages and, in the grand tradition of Streets of Rage, health is inexplicably replenished by consuming stray subs and sodas found on the ground. Controls can be a bit sluggish at times and the game can get fairly bogged down when too many characters clog up the screen. Furthermore, FF64 is really short; with a bit of diligence, you're likely to knock it out in just under a few hours. But who really wants to play these kind of games for long? FF64 is fun precisely because by the time you start to get sick of it, the credits are rolling and you can move on to something else. But unlike many other games, you can come back to FF64 often, simply to revel in the immense madness, and especially if you have a buddy beside you for some co-op play.

Friday From the Archives: Time Crisis II (2001)

Every Friday (or thereabouts) we celebrate the heritage of Code Redd Net by posting a retro-review from our considerable back catalogue of embarrassingly naive, but nonetheless entertaining and heartfelt, movie and game reviews. Please pardon the prose; most of these articles were written in immediately post-pubescent years. Hopefully you find them as enjoyable as we do.

I believe this weekly feature is starting to wind down. Why? Because I only have two or three more "retro-reviews" left to post. Nobody ever said we were prolific in those days. Something else (to be decided later) will likely take its place, though perhaps on a different day of the week. I have a few ideas what that something else might be. For now, though, enjoy this series while you still can. Take ChickenMan's review of Time Crisis II, for example. This was a great game, one of the best arcade-to-home translations ever, I'd wager. The light gun bundled with the game gave it that authentic arcade feel. When ChickenMan refers to me as "an enthusiastic enthusiast of pay machine gaming," I believe he is referring to that wonderfully lame op-ed piece I did. He's right, too; I love arcades (when I can find them).

"Time Crisis is definitely one of my most favorite arcade series along with Metal Slug. Yeah, it’s that good. So, if you’re not quite as an enthusiastic enthusiast of pay machine gaming as Thrasher, who judges his performance by the amount of $$ spent to finish the entire game, console is the next best and maybe even better thing. Of course you get the complete Arcade story mode, with unlimited credits with some unlocking effort, plus some bonus modes which I guarantee will challenge anybody, sharpshoota. They include clay shooting, range shooting, speed test, and a training mode. This keeps it smooth and gives you more to play, and is fun to play with a friend, one of the new features in TC2. And, as mentioned earlier, like Thrasher tests his skill through trials, you can also do the same by limiting the lives you need or getting the high score throughout the story mode. You can also unlock different guns. TC2’s replay value is up to you. Also in the console edition, as I’ve heard, has greater graphics than the arcade version. So, in short, this game in my book is a winner, but you must have a light gun for it to be the same in your book. And, this thought just came to my mind; I guess the arcade can be your brief rental/test if you need it."

Finest Fights: Streets of Rage (1991)

Bringing you the best fight scenes available on YouTube, every Tuesday afternoon.

This week we continue to shake things up a bit with the final boss battle from the classic Genesis beat-'em-up, Streets of Rage. I just love how you actually get a choice (kind of) of joining the nefarious Mr. X or not. What this video doesn't show, though, is the battle that ensues between players in a co-op game when that choice presents itself. That was a pretty cool, unique thing for the time.

Friday From the Archives: TimeSplitters (2000)

Every Friday (or thereabouts) we celebrate the heritage of Code Redd Net by posting a retro-review from our considerable back catalogue of embarrassingly naive, but nonetheless entertaining and heartfelt, movie and game reviews. Please pardon the prose; most of these articles were written in immediately post-pubescent years. Hopefully you find them as enjoyable as we do.

I swear, I'll get my reviews of all three 'Splitters up sometime in the next week. Suffice it to say for now, I love all three dearly. Even the original TimeSplitters, dated though it may look and play when compared with its sequels, means a lot to me. This one has by far the best (and largest) multiplayer maps in the entire series; in particular, I enjoy Planet X, Mansion, and the Bank. ChickenMan and I spent many, many hours playing this game, and you can see the love we have for it in his original review below. But myself, I want some tacos.

"I’ve been sitting here a while thinking of what to say about one of the best FPS’s I’ve played. It’s got very colorful characters, a lot of cool guns, a co-op story mode, and a great multiplayer mode with the AI bots. A few think story mode does not deserve to have a story mentioned because all they have is a few sentences explaining your levels and objectives and a background story on the back of the box. To me, that’s just enough. I didn’t ask for a five star story, I asked for some awesome shooting. You know what they say; if you want some tacos, go to taco bell. This is another version of it; if you want a five star story go play your RPG’s. It’s got some unique multiplayer modes and it’s own mapmaker. You can do your own creative stuff and have some great multiplayer action. In story mode you’ll go to different past and future years with different characters for each. This is pretty cool because you get a variety of weapons. I know some people who don’t like escort missions and you don’t have to do them if you don’t like them. If you do, then you can do them in arcade mode. And you might think you’re not doing anything but it keeps track of cool stats like rounds fired and heads punched off. I really like that. It’s got so many characters, you’ll be sure to find at least one that you like. It’s very customizable and you can play a match to 11,000 kills or more if that’s what you’re into. This game is purely fried chicken. Go check it out."

PS2 Review: Spy Hunter: Nowhere to Run (2006)

Turns out there's plenty of places to run to in Nowhere to Run. In fact, you do much more running and and grappling than you do driving and intercepting, which is an odd choice considering the property, and the creators of this game seem to have their priorities almost completely misplaced. The Spy Hunter series (including the classic PS2 remake, winner of the Code Redd Net Award for Best Action Game, and its unfortunately sucky sequel, winner of absolutely nothing and liking it) is about high speed vehicular combat. You drive fast and shoot things; one would think such a concept is virtually foolproof. And while I appreciate the attempt to innovate the Spy Hunter formula by putting the action on terra firma, this is one series that needs to keep its passengers locked up inside the super spy car. Nowhere to Run is a bit of an oddball; it was supposed to be the tie-in game for a Spy Hunter movie starring Dwayne Johnson (you know him better as The Rock) that has never left development. So all we have to go on in this game, and if its story is any indication, that movie would blow. You play as agent Alex Decker (The Rock), pilot of the awesome IES Interceptor, but this time the vehicle is stolen by the generically maniacal Nostra corporation/nation/band of thieves. So now you have to steal it back, but unfortunately you get to chase after it in the Rock's digital walk-waddle. It's slow, tedious going getting around in this swampy world. Controls are either excessively tight or exceedingly slippery, so while aiming your guns is slow as can be, driving the Interceptor is like ice skating. But the hand-to-hand combat is surprisingly enjoyable for its exaggerated sound effects and super finishing moves. There's plenty of fun to be had tossing adversaries about with the Rock's selection of devastating wrestling maneuvers, or lifting them above your head in a gorilla press and then throwing them helluva far, including off of bridges, construction sites, and airplanes. Ragdoll physics make this kind of carnage that much more delightful. I'd even say that my opinion of Nowhere to Run is comparable to the ideas shared in my review of Driv3r. That is to say, this game is just so bad it's actually redeemable. So very many weird things happen that it becomes comedy. Sure, it can be frustrating at times (most levels require some form of trail-and-error progression) and the graphics are muddy at best, but there is a lot of freedom and fun in choosing how to dispense with the Nostra grunts, and in seeing the limb-flailing, glitchy results. If you like broken, strange things, I say pick this one up. Everyone else would do well to stay far away.

Movie Review: 13 (2010)

Even Jason Statham couldn't save this bomb; unfortunately, he doesn't even get a chance. 13 "stars" young Sam Riley as Vince, electrician-extraordinaire who finds it difficult to afford his hospitalized father's next (and thoroughly vague) operation. So one day, on a seemingly innocuous house call, he overhears one of his clients arguing with his wife/girlfriend/whatever about a mysterious letter he has just received. Vince makes note of where his client stashes the letter, and when that client checks out via an overdose the next day, Vince retrieves the letter and follows the instructions inside. Little does he know, however, that he walks right into a high stakes game of Russian roulette. Nervous Vinnie doesn't even know how to handle his pistol, let alone shoot one of the other "players," but he courageously pushes on in the contest, through four elimination rounds, and culminating in a duel with mega cash (for the victor and for the handlers and gamblers that place bets on these horses) on the line. This is not a totally irredeemable plot, mind you, at least as an idea, but in execution it's very bad indeed. Acting is the single biggest problem here; Sam Riley vacillates between a blank face (taken, I suppose, to be his attempt at stoic determination) and a grimace/sneer that more strongly resembles a person suffering from heartburn and indigestion than a man full of hatred and fear. And the rest of the cast are completely miscast or misused. Jason Statham does little to nothing in his role as the gambler Jasper (he only gets in some of his trademark swears at the end of the film), Mickey Rourke looks bored, and 50 Cent's acting makes Sam Riley's look like Jack Nicholson. Just skip this one.